Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes