@LoveNLunchmeat: Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
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@novicefather: [iphone vibrates] 3yo: daddy someone is texting you [landline phone rings] 3yo: what is that sound?
@joeljeffrey: Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
@batkaren: We've secretly replaced Janet's coffee with melatonin capsules. Let's see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…