I feel it
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[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
me refusing to leave twitter
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..