[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
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Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.