Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
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My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
relationship goals
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.