Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.