Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
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It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.