TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
You Might Also Like
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.