Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
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What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
How to properly lift a body
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.