“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
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coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.