*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
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I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?