@onelongbender: Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.
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@Scimommy: Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here's what I've learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
@murrman5: [the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"
@abbycohenwl: Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe