[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
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waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
you have three unread messages
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
how was your vacation
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night