@onelongbender: Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.
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@captainkalvis: WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall! ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
@JakeDuarte43: Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! :)
@UncleDuke1969: ME: What’s in the bag? FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid. ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine. FRIEND: Well, you know- ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine. FRIEND: ... ME: What’s in the bag?
@mynameisntdave: POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the "shapeshifter" look like? [the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture] ME: ...I dont remember