Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
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While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.