Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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5.
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9.
10. He is a cat.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.