@noog: Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
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@iamspacegirl: vampire: let me bite you me: no! vampire: it will be fun me: *running away* vampire: wait, stop! my fangs magically change color when I sip through them! me: *noticeably slowing down*
@DanMentos: [terrorist meeting] "Let's hit Americans where they gather to shop" But how will we find these Targets? "Guys you're not gonna believe this"
@NicestHippo: ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well
@SashaBrenner: One of the wheelchair basketball team players has been tested positive for WD40 :(