Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
You Might Also Like
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
A completely valid reaction tbh
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*