If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
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If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
i prefer mine room temperature.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
moms in horror movies
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me