@FinnMcIver: everyone's always saying 'the good ones die young', 'god only takes the best'. so I must be immortal
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@Cheeseboy22: After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was "Elevator Buttons."
@OtherDanOBrien: [Jesus on the cross] *texts with 1 hand* "um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf" *5 hrs pass* "new phone. who dis?"
@NicestHippo: The inventor of the toilet must've had a rough time at his presentation. "Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea"
@DaddyJew: Legend has it that if you don't look a coworker in the eye they won't stop to tell you about their weekend.