Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
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Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.