Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
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[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
cat vs inanimate object
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Art by Pastelkatto
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Name this drama.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!