Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
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Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in