[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
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a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Steam Forums
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical