Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
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I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.