Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
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*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *