Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
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Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
*aggressively waits in line*
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”