“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
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Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife