Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
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[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Happy Caturday!
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?