Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
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what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.