Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
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Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?