Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
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In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it