Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
You Might Also Like
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
There is no “we” in pizza
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”