her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’