[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I’m listening
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]