Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Unimpressed
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT