“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
A Short Story.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.