[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.