Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
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Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start