Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.