Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
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When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”