Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
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Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
What the hell happened here.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?