My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
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Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Here’s a meme
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother