Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
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[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I am yelling
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”