Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
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Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast