Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
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I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.