Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
You Might Also Like
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.