This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
You Might Also Like
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
kitchen magnet
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die