Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
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supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.