Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
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imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Just a friendly reminder!
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car