Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
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6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.