Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
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MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
This hospital has everything
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.