Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
You Might Also Like
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Sex so good you see dead people.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
There’s no “u” in narcissist