Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius